it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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