I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
