You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize