: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
