i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
