woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
