Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
