I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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