I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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