She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
