if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
