I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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