I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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