They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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