i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
