her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
