seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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