Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
