GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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