My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
