I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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