I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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