Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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