Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
