I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
