me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
