I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
