I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
