I'm going to jail i love you
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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