the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
