apparently the secret to your success is patron
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
