I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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