I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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