Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
