Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
