I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
