He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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