Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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