kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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