You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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