I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
