Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
