My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish you could order shots online.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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