Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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