batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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