I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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