can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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