I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You may now shotgun with the bride
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
