Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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