halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This house was built for laser tag.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
