Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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