If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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