Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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