JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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