so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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