She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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