i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
