First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
