false alarm. still invincible.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
