god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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