I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
