I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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