You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
