Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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